Holocene
Written by Nickin Alexander
Idea by Simran Dhaliwal & Mamatha Kaadayia
I reckon a lot of things break your heart.
I lost my brother when I was 19. Silver killed himself. I blamed myself…but my sister and I managed to convince ourselves that he was troubled beyond our help…
I question that now.
She moved away.
My parents shut themselves out.
I was alone.
And then I found you.
I don’t know what this is. I believe it’s a letter. But it may be something else. Because I’ve written letters before and this doesn’t feel the same.
Mickey told me that I had to say something, but the truth is I can’t really say much without feeling guilty. When I write it though, I feel better about myself, like I haven’t really done anything wrong…I guess that’s what happens when you write the truth.
I told Mickey that this was it. But rather than say it, I’ll write it…because sometimes the truth is better when the tears that come with it are dry, empty blotches on a piece of paper, rather than being wasted by rolling down our faces and disappearing on the ground.
I love you, I always have.
When we met, I thought you fixed me…but the truth is, it wasn’t a fix…it was bringing me back. I didn’t need to be fixed, I needed to be saved, and somehow, you, with your bouncing brown hair, hazel eyes and goofy laugh…you breathed some life into me.
I didn’t talk much, mostly because I loved listening to you… but maybe I should have…looking back.
Silver always said I should’ve been a little braver…put myself out there more. And now that I finally have, he’s not here. He’s not here to see the effect his words had. He’s not here to see what I grew into…
But the truth is, it was because of you, and I only felt that way because Silver was dead and Robin had left. My parents weren’t really there and I couldn’t find life in anything else.
But then you did that …thing. When you look at someone and light them up with that thing they’ve been missing.
I wish I could explain it, I’m sorry that I can’t but there is probably someone else that could.
Because I’m not special…you do this to everyone.
But for me…quietly watching as you lit peoples worlds up, I couldn’t help but feel special…like you chose me…like the universe gave me a chance again.
But maybe, the universe sent you because it felt like I needed you…just like all those others did.
That’s probably the truth, and even though we’ve been friends for years, and it might be hard for both of us to admit, that is the truth. You weren’t meant for me…just like Silver wasn’t meant to be here right now.
It’s sad but it’s the truth.
That’s why I need to write this.
To let you know that it’s okay…and I don’t want you to feel guilty or sad that I might not be around for much longer.
I’ll be okay…I promise. I’m healthy and unafraid…and a little braver.
And yeah, watching you walk down the aisle to a guy you so desperately love, was tough. And I wish I said something earlier…maybe the first time we met…maybe when I watched you cry or when you smiled…maybe all those little moments where I was stuck watching the light in your eyes and chose that over staring at a starry sky…but this isn’t about me.
This is and always will be about you and how much you meant.
And how much you will always mean.
I want you to be happy and I am so grateful that you chose to waltz into my life in a time where the world seemed so dark and lonely. I’m so thankful you decided to tap me on the shoulder and ask me if you could sit next to me in that lecture. And I’m so glad that you decided to let me listen to your voice for hours on end.
But I think it’s time for you to be happy…and I don’t think I can be around you feeling the way I do without wishing I was the guy you chose…
I hope you can understand that. I hope you know that it isn’t out of anger or frustration or jealousy or even out of love.
It’s about what’s best.
And I think this is what’s best.
You might not see me for a while…I hope that’s okay. But when you do see me again…and when I see you again, we can smile and you can tell me all about married life…and I can tell you all about whatever it was that I’d done in the time we spent apart.
Till then…I have this one thing that I hope you can hold onto, and one thing you must do for me. It’s the one thing I wish I told Silver more often. One thing I wish more people would do. But it’s something that I think might’ve saved Silver.
You see, he lost himself…he lost who he was because of everything else that made him think he wasn’t good enough.
And I thought that was the fate of everyone…that they’d trudge through life till they inevitably lost themselves…becoming nothing more than ghosts that managed to drag their feet on the ground.
So please, if not for yourself then for me…don’t ever stop being you…
Love always,
Me.
