Felt Something
Written by Nickin Alexander
Sunsets were nice.
I guess Leo and Richie had always thought of themselves as people who could find nice things.
Being best mates meant that they could do this together. So the two of them sitting on the hoods of their cars and watching the sky go from blue, to orange and then to purple while nursing a hangover was exactly that…nice.
It was weird to see two very similar looking guys.
Leo and Richie were both dark-skinned with similar haircuts. Leo’s was longer though and Richer a little tidier. But still, more or less the same.
They both were propped on their hoods of a shopping centre car park. It was past six so parking was free and on a Sunday afternoon, quite baron.
It was nice though, despite the trash slipping by in the wind, the occasional rev of a tricked out car, the jeers from teenagers in their P plates and the cries of babies as mums settled them in after a day of shopping and food.
Leo was cooley looking up at the clouds as they drifted on by, he had the sleeves of his white t-shirt rolled up, showing off his arms as sweat glistened off them in the afternoon sun.
Richie was leaning over, rolling a can of SPRITE in his fingers, letting the cold sweat of the can smother his hands. His head was down, eyes glued to the grey pavement below his feet…his eyes lost in some kind of sadness.
“…can’t keep moping around Rich…” Leo’s voice was slightly husky with a hint of playfulness.
His mouth had a permanent smirk that matched his half-closed eyes.
He slipped his hair back and turned himself upright, facing Richie.
Leo watched his best mate lift his head towards the city below.
Western Sydney was sprawled in urbanness…the sounds of cars and pedestrian crossings, the yells from old ethnic homes…the smell of nothing but the working class.
“I know,” Richie replied. “…I know…”
The last words were a whisper…the wind catching them and then letting it float between the two young men.
“I know this shit keeps happening to ya…” said Leo, exhaling as he did “but that’s how it is sometimes ya know?”
Richie's eyes remained on the world below as the summer breeze tickled his hair as it flicked across his eyebrows.
“…it’s just…” Richie finally turned to his mate and looked him dead in the eyes. “…fucked…ya know?”
Leo smiled.
They stared at each other for a moment. One hoping for answers, the other trying to give as much comfort in a look.
Little sparks of frustration started to glimmer in Richie’s eyes. He looked away as his lower lip wobbled slightly, his eyes beginning to water.
“… I don't think you get it man…” he muttered. “I look around…everyone has someone. And they followed that…formula…work hard, study, get a job, get in shape, find a girl…and I did those things. But I never did ’em coz I wanted to fit in…Nah…I did it because that’s what I’ve wanted ya know? And then whenever I get there, whenever I find someone…they either get torn away coz of some bullshit, or they slip away as if nothing ever happened…”
Leo watched as Richie turned his back to him, leaning over the hood of his Honda Accord, staring into the reflection of his bonnet, right into the dead and tired eyes.
Last night had taken its toll. Seeing your ex on a night out was tough, seeing them fresh out of your split was even worse. But seeing them make out with a guy she told you not to worry about was something else.
“I get it bro…but you guys were together for a short while-“
“It’s not that man…it just happened again,” his voice had a slight shake. “ and it seems like it won’t fucking end…”
Leo laughed softly and looked away.
Richie turned to him, a soft look of betrayal as he watched Leo lean back on his windshield, pull out a grinder and rotate it. He could hear the weed softly turn fine as he pulled out his rolling paper and got to work on a new joint.
“…wish I could tell you it’s all gonna be okay Rich…” he muttered. “wish I could…”
Richie huffed a laugh.
“..But it aint,”
Leo’s face turned dark as he locked into his joint making process.
His eyes tracked each movement his fingers made. His mouth closed, his face relaxed…but not with it’s usually life. He looked almost zombie like as he poured the green into the paper, licking the edges and twisting it perfectly.
“…it doesn’t get easier, or better…and the cunts that tell you that they’re numb to that shit…they’re bullshiting you more than anything…” his words surrounded the harshness that had seemed to be buried inside of him. “We’re not immune to feelings…not if something hurts us once or twice or a million times…it’ll sting and keep stinging…that’s the cost of having emotions and shit…”
He pulled a black zippo from his jean pocket, flicking it open as the joint cradled itself between his lips.
As it touched the flame, his cheeks hollowed, taking in the first drag of smoke before leaning and settling back into the windshield behind him.
“…you know this?” asked Richie, his head still turned away.
“what? you think you’re the first bloke to get fucked over by a girl?” shot Leo. “Nah man…you’re just one of millions of people, girls and guys, who’ve gotten their hearts broken…you ain’t special brother…this isn’t just you…”
Richie looked back to Leo, his eyes still watery but the look of betrayal still smothered on his face.
“I don’t mean to be harsh…” Leo turned back to him, his voice apologetic. “But it’s the truth…she doesn’t care about you bro…she didn’t care when she kissed that guy, and she doesn’t care now-”
“How do you know?” said Richie. “…you’ve never been committed to nobody…”
“And She wasn’t committed to you Rich,” he replied
“But why..”
“Fucked if I know man, but what I do know is that there is no use sitting here asking that dumbass question. There is no why…people do some shit things-“
“Yeah but-“
“Listen man, stop asking why, you’re gonna get the same answer,” he said. “Take it…take it on the fucking chin, I know that’s some toxic shit, but better cop it and cop it full-on then let yourself become a moping mess or a fucking fiend…this shit will break you, but that’s good and the only way to get better is to drop that bullshit. Don’t ask why. Just accept it. “
“So what?” he replied, “ I just move on?”
“…eventually…yeah…but this shit…what you’re feeling now, it doesn’t change when you get answers, it doesn’t go away if she comes back…deep down, you know it’s gonna stay,” he continued. “And maybe the next one fucks you, maybe the next one after that..but eventually, down the line, you’re gonna be glad…”
“…glad?”
“…yeah glad…” Leo took a drag as he looked back at the clouds. “…glad that no matter what…for a brief moment…you felt that way…”
His eyes glazed over as the world overhead shifted. Clouds floated by, the breeze swept through…and the two young men in that parking lot let the world go uninterrupted for a brief moment.
Leo closed his eyes and spoke.
“Feeling something is better than feeling nothing…that’s what makes the bad times bad, and the good times good…it’s how we know we’re happy or sad…angry or content…” he whispered. “One day, you're gonna be looking back on this…you’re gonna love the fact that you went through this shit…you're gonna love the fact that you felt something…”
